If you told me ten years ago that I would be in the place I am today, I probably wouldn’t believe you. I never thought I would still be in school at this stage in the game. I should’ve graduated last year according to my plan. So what happened? Well the plans we create for ourselves aren’t always the plan God makes for us. “Choose the path God wants you to take.” “Be who God wants you to be.” I hear this all the time but honestly, I don’t know who that person is. “Give your life completely to Jesus and He will lead your future husband to you.” I want this, trust me I want nothing more than to be so in love with Jesus my future husband has to find me in that love to be with me. I just don’t know how to get there. What do I do? Where do I start? Confession. Ya I’ve done that. I feel like a much different person since I’ve started to understand Confession but some days I don’t feel like I’ve changed any.
I had friends before I left for college. I feel like I’ve lost them all. I had a great relationship with my mom before him. I feel like I’ve lost her too. When I reflect on everything I wonder why God allowed me to get so broken. Then I realize it was my choices that got me here. More important though, how do I get fixed? I am tired of living my life day to day with no real value placed on anything I do. I am tired of feeling like I am laying on the Doctor’s surgical table with all my heart’s wounds cut open for the world to say with no way of fixing them and making it better.
I would just like to know what the joy people around me at the Newman Center and my friends truly feels like. I can fake it pretty well but I don’t truly know what that feels like. I guess I need to figure this all out but like I said before, I have no idea on how to actually do this.